How to Be Alone

For the first five and a half years of our marriage, my husband worked rotating shifts, including six weeks of night shift every six weeks. At the beginning of this year, he was moved to a regular schedule, Monday–Friday, 8 a.m.–4 p.m.

When he was working night shift and weekends so often, I had a certain level of independence most married women don’t have. I spent a lot of evenings on my own and found ways to fill my time—yoga classes, writer’s groups, Wednesday night church, women’s Bible studies, walks with friends, dinner parties, and book clubs. I packed my schedule. 

Now, my husband is home every evening, and we have plenty of time together, but my schedule is still full. 

I’m starting to make trade-offs. I don’t want to pack my schedule anymore because I have my best friend home with me most evenings. I’m not going to stop doing everything I have been doing because my after-work activities truly bring me joy, but I do need to offload things to make room for what’s most important to me.

I’m eager to bring my husband to some of the things I have built into my schedule and share them with him. I’m excited to have him at church with me every week and be able to spend time with friends without having to plan two months in advance. 

As someone who spent a lot of time alone when she would rather have been with her spouse, I have a few tips for keeping yourself entertained and fighting off feelings of loneliness. While not everyone is in this same situation, I think these things could apply to anyone who is feeling lonely. 

1. Spend time with your loved ones when you can — Quality over quantity. While the time you have with loved ones is limited, make sure it’s quality time. Put away your phones, turn off the TV, and spend time actually talking to each other. Play a board game, go for a walk, or just spend time chatting on the couch. You don’t always have to be doing something to enjoy your time together. 

2. Build a support system — While my husband is still my emergency contact and my go-to person, I’ve had to build some additional people into my support system. We did this by getting involved at church, but you don’t have to follow this path. Getting involved in a local church is the best decision my husband and I have made as a married couple. For the first couple years we were married, we’d slip in and out each Sunday and only knew one or two people. But after the pandemic, we got involved with a small group and made Sunday morning services non-negotiable. We’ve gotten to know people, and they notice when we don’t show up. Our church family has become the people we turn to with prayer requests, and the people we can reach out to in times of need. 

3. Plan at least one recurring social activity each week — When you’re feeling lonely, it’s easy to isolate yourself. Having a weekly social activity is a great way to make sure you’re around people at least once a week. This activity can be anything from attending a weekly yoga or exercise class to participating in bingo or bridge club at a local community center. You don’t have to be the center of attention, and you don’t have to talk to everyone there, but having a place you can go to connect with at least one person will help you feel less lonely. 

4. Be the first to reach out — I’ve seen lots of posts on social media talking about how your true friends will reach out to you first. Think of what would happen if everyone followed this approach. No one would ever reach out to anyone else. If you’re feeling lonely and haven’t heard from your friends in a while, shoot them a text message or give them a call. Life gets really busy, and sometimes we forget to reach out. If someone is on your mind, text or call them. Odds are, they are as lonely as you and would love to get together. 

5. Limit your time on social media — Social media has become a comparison trap. Maybe it always was, but every time I’m on Facebook, I see wedding and pregnancy announcements, family photos highlighting only the best (and often staged) moments, and news of new jobs or houses or babies. These are all good things, but when you’re caught in a vacuum of everyone’s best moments, it’s hard not to look at that and wonder, “Am I just a loser?” (No, you’re not.) Social media is a great way to connect with old friends and explore things you’re interested in, but it can also become a thief of joy. Limit your time with it. 

6. Take care of your space — When you’re lonely and feeling down, it’s easy to neglect your living space. Whether you have your own house or apartment or are sharing a space with roommates or family members, take a few minutes each day to tidy up your space. It’s a way of showing yourself respect and love, and tidy spaces have been shown to greatly improve mental health. I’m not saying deep cleaning your bedroom is the answer to all your problems, but it may help those problems feel smaller. 

7. Get active — Exercise is another one of those things that we don’t want to do when we’re feeling down, but it’s one of the best ways to get out of a funk. It literally dopes up your brain with feel-good chemicals. Whether you’re going for a brisk walk or sweating your butt off in a HIIT class, take a few minutes to move your body each day. You may even be able to make some friends at your gym or through group fitness classes. 

8. Read — I never feel lonely when I’m reading. Books give you entire worlds at your fingertips. While book characters are a poor substitute for real human interaction, they are good company. 

9. Learn something new — One of my greatest feelings of accomplishment came when I cast off the last stitch of the first sweater I ever knitted. I took six balls of string and transformed them into a wearable garment. It felt like magic. Learning something new, especially as an adult, brings feelings of accomplishment that can really boost your mood and occupy your time. 

10. Spend time outside — When I’m feeling lonely or depressed, sometimes I just need to go outside and touch some grass. Go for a walk in the park, sit on your porch and watch the birds, or take a hike. It’s incredibly grounding to be out in nature. 

These are just a few things I do to fight off feelings of loneliness. And while I have my husband home with me more often, I’m sure those feelings of loneliness will creep back in from time to time. 

Whether you’re single, have a spouse who works often, are in a relationship that feels lonely, have lost someone… remember to take care of yourself. It’s okay to be alone, and it’s okay to be lonely. Just don’t let those feelings of loneliness persist to despair. Reach out to that friend. Take up that weird coworker on their offer to play Dungeons and Dragons. Go to the genealogy class at the local library. Do what you need to do to learn to be alone.